if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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