Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize