dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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