I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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