I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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