Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
