If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
