News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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