I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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