Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
