bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Randomize
