Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
