either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
