my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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