tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
