I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I supernannyed him into submission
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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