dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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