she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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