im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
