Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
