I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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