I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
