Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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