Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
