ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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