I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
