im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I will be naked everywhere
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
