I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize