my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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