1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
