i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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