im six kinds of drunk right now
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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