How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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