His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
being pregnant is like rehab
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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