Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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