I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Never let your siblings swipe right.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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