there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
