life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
