before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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