You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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