it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
