I puked a lego.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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