I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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