I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
