Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize