I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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