your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
