i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
