i jhust puked up my retainher.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
