Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
