FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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