2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
